


walk with me, talk with me

by laehys



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Character Study, Gen, Huang Ren Jun & Park Jisung Are Best Friends, Huang Ren Jun-centric, M/M, Multi, Non-Linear Narrative, Platonic Relationships, found family trope, jisung is renjun’s emotional support kpop boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:15:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25591189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laehys/pseuds/laehys
Summary: It's just a kiss.And, yet, it's way more than that.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun & Park Jisung, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 16
Kudos: 96





	walk with me, talk with me

**Author's Note:**

> kinda afraid to post this one but here we go, i guess. not edited bc i cant read this again lmao
> 
> this is a love letter to all my friends who shared their struggles with me and a somewhat apology to 16-year-old me.
> 
> there's no "right way" to be in a relationship or a "right kind of love". everyone is different and has their own needs.  
> though no major ao3 warning applies here, plz be aware that some topics might be sensitive or potential triggers for u, as it talks about asexuality/ace spectrum, sex, anxiety, self-doubt etc. so keep urself safe !!  
> this is in no way how all ace people feel. but i hope i can bring some comfort or be relatable to someone.  
> thank u for being u.

Renjun has his first kiss when he’s twenty.

Out of all the things he had imagined it could ever happen in his life, asking Jeno to kiss him wasn’t any of them -- especially when he had always been sure he’d never want to kiss anyone.

But that was what had happened. He had _wanted_ the kiss to happen -- and that was the biggest thing.

* * *

During your life, you meet lots of people and some of them become your friends.

And sometimes, in a few of these friends, you might find a home -- a home that isn’t scary, isn’t restrictive, isn’t painful, but a home that allows you to be free, to bare yourself open and be unashamed as you do that.

(and maybe, sometimes, there’s still a bit of that heavy feeling that swirls on the bottom of your stomach even then. but it’s so small and you pay it no mind. there’s no reason to listen to uncalled fears when you’re home with them)

And when you say, “ _I never kissed someone before”_ , all serious and trembling a little as you say that, they won’t laugh and cast it aside as a joke, because maybe they don’t care about something like that, but they can see that it isn’t something small for you.

* * *

He never felt the need to go out of his way and kiss someone.

It was simple. It just wasn’t something on his mind.

They would be in the corner of the classroom, a little group of friends whispering about who would try to ask the pretty girl sitting in the front of the class to kiss them. They’re already getting close to 13, time was ticking and it was starting to become embarrassing to never have kissed someone. They needed to be faster. Nobody wanted to be the last one in the group.

Renjun would be there with them. They’re his friends, so of course he’d be in the conversation. He’d laugh, and then nod, and then think and whisper a name, and watch another boy be rejected. Maybe someone would try to push him forward, say it was his time to try, but then he’d laugh and shrug it off. Another time. Maybe later. Who knows, right? Maybe it’s just _the nerves_.

He’d thought about that -- of course he did. It was impossible for his thoughts to never wander to that side when it seemed like, in the blink of an eye, everyone now decided they were grown up enough to start dating and wanted to do _something_ about it.

And there’s a lot of pressure.

Everyone has their eyes on someone else and you need to have a name ready at the tip of your tongue. To blend in well enough. Pretend that you’re also thinking about kissing all the time even though you’re only reminded about that when you’re around others.

Somehow, now, being a little bit older, it’s too embarrassing to say you’ve never kissed someone. Never had a crush. Renjun has a lie ready, the same one he’s been using since he was 14 and the only one that hadn’t been seen kissing someone behind their school building.

_It was with a girl one year younger; he’d been visiting his grandma on a school break and met someone at a small family party. Don’t worry, you don’t know her. Her name? Ah, I never asked._

But it gets easier to pretend with time. They grow up, stop pushing each other around. Conversations are upgraded to boast of any achievement they might have got. It’s more serious than a little peck now.

Renjun shrugs. Doesn’t add to the talk. Not all of them do. Most of that is all lies, exaggerating things to prove nothing to no one. They’re all aware of that--but still keep going. 

And then he goes to another country to follow a dream.

There’s no time to think about making up stories of pretty eyes and lips curling up in small smiles when you have the chance of living your dreams right in front of you. It’s better to pour all your energy into training, muscles aching so much that you can barely remember what it feels like when they aren’t hurting. 

But then you sing and they all praise you. Happiness blooms inside your chest and everything seems almost perfect. They praise how focused you seem, how you don’t waver. And you say your _“Thanks”_ , not knowing why you’d end up distracted when you wanted to achieve that. To debut.

* * *

There’s a trainer standing on the corner of the room. Renjun knows her, has seen her around enough to remember her face. She smiles all shy and blinks, holding a hand up. Another boy goes to her and they talk for a long time. It’s just another dance practice, with too many people to make it worthwhile.

But Renjun still tries. He can’t miss this opportunity.

There were too many people coming and leaving before he could catch their names and commit them to memory. Sometimes they came back to say their goodbyes, but most of the time they just left. There are whispers following them. Sometimes it’s about a thing from their past, something that was dug up; others it’s about how they got caught with someone inside a closet, an empty practice room, on the rooftop.

He doesn’t care about that. He has other things on his mind.

The pretty girl one day doesn’t come back. Renjun looks towards the corner she used to like to stay and there’s another boy there, talking with someone else. It’s nothing new. Two months later and half of the class are new faces and nothing really changes.

They’re too young to stay somewhere you don’t want to be. Dreams change too quickly.

Renjun keeps going on. He goes to the classes, he works hard. Next thing he knows he’s now training with different people, with the ones he used to see walking around the company and think “ _Yeah, they’re gonna be the ones to debut next”_ , the ones who were displayed on the websites, on their promotional videos.

And now he’s right there too.

* * *

They are home and they listen and they try to understand.

Renjun doesn’t know how he got this lucky, he thinks. To find them--for the universe to let him walk this path towards them, to chase something that looked impossible and stumble right into their arms.

They try their best to ask questions and wait for the answers that Renjun isn’t all that sure about. So they learn together as they slowly uncover another layer of each other, as they slowly open up and talk more, and then they find out about so many new things--names, definitions, explanations.

It’s a home because they want it to be. They could be nothing more than colleagues and roommates and nobody would find it weird. But it’s a kind of companionship you can’t find everywhere and so they make it bloom even more.

It’s a home and it’s a thing they’re building together. It’s for them only.

* * *

Renjun is sixteen and he’s never kissed someone before. It’s strange because he feels like he _should_ have by now, but he had his chances and didn’t want to at the time.

It’s okay. Maybe everyone else around him is also putting up a front and a lot of them haven’t also kissed. Maybe everyone also has their little lies like him. Their stories ready at the tip of their tongue.

Renjun is seventeen and he’s an idol. It almost feels overwhelming to think that he really did it.

And though sometimes it gets stressing with a packed schedule and too many people inside a dorm, too many opinions and too many ideas, they learn how to deal with the different personalities, to know and care for them all. It feels freeing.

Renjun is eighteen and it’s confusing.

He looks around and wonders if Jaemin has kissed someone. He must have had. He’s too pretty, too kind. Lots of people must have crushed on him and asked him on a date, for a kiss. He wonders about Jeno, about Donghyuck, about Mark.

All of them grew up inside the company, training since they were kids and trying to chase what seemed like an almost impossible dream. Renjun was the one to go to school normally back home, with no worries about having to finish homework in the middle of the night in the practice room or having to miss school for dance classes, not even knowing who was the student that sat next to his desk.

He wonders what kind of experiences they’ve had. It shouldn’t be hard for him to go to them. It’s not like they weren’t close. But Renjun doesn’t know how to start a topic like that, something he’s always buried far, far away in his mind, shrugging it off whenever his school friends would start talking about it.

He doesn’t look at a person and wants them. It’s never been a default of his. He tries to imagine what it must be like -- to see someone and desire them. Would you want to kiss them senseless? Touch them? Go even further than that? Just by what--after a glance at them?

He wishes he could be transported to another person’s mind, to observe and feel what they feel so, then, he could have an idea.

It’s frustrating. He doesn’t feel the need to kiss someone, to touch them or to be touched in an intimate manner. But maybe he should feel like that. Maybe he should think that it’s weird he doesn’t feel this way. Maybe he should be worried.

* * *

Jaemin is pretty. 

He’s so pretty with his big eyes and warm, gentle smile. Renjun loves him best when he’s laughing and happy and radiating energy.

Still, he doesn’t want to kiss him. No--he wouldn’t mind receiving a kiss on the cheek, he thinks, or maybe even hugging him tight when he’s having a particular moment. But he can’t see himself wanting to kiss him like they do in the movies -- all passion and tongue and desperate hands.

It sounds like a hassle.

But he likes Jaemin a lot. He likes when they’re lying side by side on Jaemin’s bed and it’s the middle of the night, when they’re just talking about random things and Jaemin is listening to his rambling while playing with his fingers.

It makes him feel happy, makes him feel heard and seen. It brings him a lot of joy.

* * *

He's lying down on the couch, a closed book on his chest and eyes focused on the television. It's a random drama, full of clichés and nothing really worth watching in his opinion, but Jaemin somehow loves it so they all watch it together with him while trash talking the drama and trying to rile him up.

But Jaemin never gets mad and only laughs it off, totally entertained with the weak plotline as he lays on the floor, using Jisung as a pillow.

Renjun feels too comfortable to move. By his feet, Jeno is smushed against the arm of the couch while trying to eat popcorn and play something on his phone at the same time, barely glancing up at the television but still answering Jaemin’s random questions about the drama.

He doesn’t know how Jeno can do that.

And everything feels warm, and cozy, and relaxing. He blinks and the TV is still playing the drama. He blinks again and everything is dark around him -- there’s a buzzing sounding far away, but Renjun feels his body too heavy to move and like he’s being held by something. He breathes in and he _knows_ deep in his guts. Jeno.

He can now make out the arms around his waist and the tip of the nose that nudges the side of his neck, the sounds of Jeno’s breathing close to his ear. It doesn’t bother him to be held in that way -- to bring a sense of comfort to someone. To feel wanted and needed.

He falls back asleep easily.

* * *

Chenle looks at him once, up and down, and then shrugs.

“Cool,” he says, as if Renjun hasn’t just bared his soul open to him right then and there.

“Cool?” He echoes, feeling as if the words taste weird in his mouth. Chenle said it so easily, so he should be able to do the same.

“Yeah. I guess that everyone has their own way to do their things? So, like, it’s cool you found yours. Do you--uh--do you wanna talk about it?”

Chenle doesn’t look like he wants to talk about it, but Renjun finds that he also doesn’t want to. Somehow he feels lighter just with that small exchange. Normal. Simple.

So Renjun snorts a little and shakes his head. “We don’t need to,” he says and it’s the truth.

Chenle nods his head, trying to be serious, but still looks a little relieved.

“Do _you_ wanna talk about it?” Renjun fires back.

Chenle seems to almost ponder for a second, but then he shakes his head. “Nah. Not now, I guess. Not yet.” 

Renjun nods and the talk ends.

* * *

They’re all home, but some are more than others. 

It’s different kinds of homes.

And it’s not hard to see how he always clings a little more to them both, floats around them. Or maybe it’s they who do that around him?

It’s a gray area between friends and something that has yet no title. Something in between liking to hold their hands maybe a bit too much, wanting to cuddle with them more than with Jisung, not minding listening to them whenever they need to vent.

But when Jaemin leans in for a kiss, Renjun freezes before he stumbles back.

He can see realization dawning on Jaemin’s face when he realizes it, his eyes widening as he steps back and away from his space. The talk from a long time ago echoing inside his head. _I never kissed someone before and I don’t know if I ever want to._

It’s not about purity. Maybe it’s all about control. 

Non-platonic kisses with people you like are always associated with something more -- and he can’t give that. He doesn’t want to.

A small section of his mind always knew that he’s forever changing. Maybe one day he’d have another attitude about it. He’s open about it -- but now, faced with the prospect of change, of giving away the little bit of control that he has, it terrifies him.

Jaemin stops, smile wiped away from his face a long time ago. “Why are you crying?” He asks.

And Renjun can only shake in place, feeling his entire body vibrating, his mind numb. He hadn’t realized he’d started crying. “I don’t know.”

And it’s the truth. He doesn’t have an answer on why he’s reacting like this.

It’s not the first time someone tries to kiss him. Usually, that ended quickly. He’d avoid it while laughing and shrugging it off and they never talked again about it. Especially if that had been back at home when he’d avoid the person for no reason.

But he doesn’t want that to happen with Jaemin -- he can’t bear the thought of cutting ties with Jaemin because of that, even though it’s always been his usual reaction.

“I don’t think I can give you what you want,” Renjun manages to say through chattering teeth, mind-numbing dizziness. He wishes he wasn’t there. He wishes that that had never happened. He wishes he didn’t feel so sick. “What… what you both want.”

“What? A kiss? You don--”

“Everything that comes with it.”

A kiss. His body. His love.

He loves them. He knows that--it’s something simple, something easy, just like you need air inside your lungs to survive, he loves them. He loves them all, all of the members in their little family, but Jeno and Jaemin have always been a little different.

Something special.

But it’s not in the way they love each other -- or how they like him. It’s not like that. It’s never like that.

And that’s… that’s the part where he loses them, right? Where they tried to take a step forward but he can’t give them what they want, so they don’t bother with him anymore.

He’s read enough forums in the middle of the night, has read the confession of too many strangers to know how things are going to proceed now.

It’s simple.

The universe has brought them all together and that’s okay--no, it’s been _amazing._ They just needed to find and make their own dynamics and, maybe, that wasn’t one meant to be.

* * *

“Sometimes you’re very dumb, hyung,” Jisung says, looking straight up at the ceiling.

Renjun glances to the side, just to make sure that Jisung is still looking up and then does the same as him, staring at the little plastic stars they had stuck on the ceiling. They fill up the entire space with their pretty blue, white, and green-ish colors.

“Yeah, I know.”

Having Jisung as a roommate has probably been one of the best things to ever happen to him. Renjun didn't know how much he missed the company of someone in the same room to share your thoughts in a random time, just turning to the side and blurting something out, until he had Jisung right then -- and it's even better because they're in a wavelength that it's different from others.

Jisung has a unique kind of view that sometimes makes Renjun wonder just _how_ can his brain just work like that.

“But, like, I don’t mean that in a mean way--”

“I know, I know.”

Renjun sighs. Jisung hums and skips the song that’s playing in the background.

“Don’t shut us out,” Jisung mumbles, voice low and almost blending with the lyrics. “Talk it out now before it becomes something even bigger just because you’re overthinking.”

“I should do that, right?”

“Uh-huh. Listen to me--I’m always right,” he says smugly and Renjun smiles a little, leaning forward to skip the song again.

* * *

It’s Donghyuck who -- literally -- grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him awake.

“Renjunnie,” he says, shaking him hard. “What are you doing?”

Renjun tries to slap his hands away but fails to push the boy away from him. “I’m working on it.”

“Are you really?”

He's not. He's avoiding and self-projecting his doubts into anyone who barely even glances at him. It's a self-defense technique that doesn't work. And he knows that.

Communication is a big, important, and scary thing. He knows he should talk and explain what goes on inside his mind. He knows they need that -- to have everything out in the open so they can decide on what to.

But how to explain the ever-existing fear that lives inside of him?

The dirty, terrifying thing that’s always on the bottom of his stomach and sometimes wakes up and engulfs him completely, making him drown in his own doubts?

It's scary. Opening yourself up is always scary.

He shakes and his eyes wells up with tears before he can even go through the first sentence, but Renjun says the words--he recites them just like he had trained before with Jisung, in the dark of their room.

And they listen. Just like they had before, a long time ago.

It’s all he can ask for.

Renjun wants to hope, wants to dream of the possibility of things working out, but the taste of disappointment would be too bitter for him to swallow it all, so he waits quietly.

It's better to have no hope at all than to have them crushed just after you finally, finally managed to create something that kind of resembles a little bit of it.

* * *

“But sometimes love is about that,” Jisung says. He’s lying on his stomach on Renjun’s bed, playing some loud and bright game on his phone, talking without lifting his eyes from the device. Renjun watches him from his place, back against the headboard. “You know you’re choosing to give up on something. You’re making some concessions. Things like that.”

 _Who even said anything about love,_ Renjun wants to say, but what comes from his mouth instead is, “You sound so mature. When did this even happen?”

Jisung rolls his eyes, but there’s a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Well… I’m doing this with you right now, right? I could be concentrating on my game--you know I’m at level 3277 and there’s an event happening right now, hyung, it’s great--, but instead I’m also talking with you about this,” and then he lowers his voice a little, almost whispering, “That’s my act of love, I guess.”

Renjun stares at the top of Jisung’s head, feeling his heart squeezing almost painfully inside his chest.

“Are you trying to make me cry, Jisungie?”

Jisung huffs and his fingers slip a little around his phone. “Well… Is it working?” He asks, and then lifts his gaze up, smiling playfully.

* * *

There’s a knock at his door when Renjun is just getting ready to sleep.

“Come in, Jisungie,” he says, fluffing the pillows on his bed and turning on his bedside lamp. It all creates a mood that's great for rambling whatever is on your mind -- being that a deep topic or going into a rant for over forty minutes about a little green frog that had been in a YouTube video.

“Hey.”

It’s Jeno.

Renjun almost freezes, but his body relaxes immediately when he sees Jeno standing on the doorway, holding the doorknob as if he wasn't sure of what to do with his hands.

"Hey, Jen."

Jeno worries his bottom lip for a second, his glasses slipping a little down the bridge of his nose, but he finally says, "Can we talk quickly?"

Renjun feels his heartbeat speeding up but nods quickly. "Sure."

It feels weird to have Jeno sitting next to him like that -- no laughs or loud video playing on a phone, not lying by each other's side or having Jaemin jumping up on them, sending them all on the floor and bruising their knees, bellies hurting from laughing so much.

"I don't want to say something bad," he says, "and I’ve been searching and reading some things, but I have some questions. Is that… is that okay with you?”

“Okay.” Renjun feels his eyes stinging a little and he curls his hands into fists, resting them over his lap.

It's something automatic. He doesn't want to cry because of it, but just the idea and fear of everything being fucked up just because of him makes his stomach churn.

A part of him knows he's being irrational, but he can't bring himself to stop his mind from fussing over every single thing.

"I know you said you're asexual," Jeno says, pushing his glasses up his nose. 

Renjun remembers that day clearly -- they were all around the couch and scrolling down their phones, Jisung being the one who had first found the term and Renjun felt relief flood his body for the first time in a long time. There were other people who kind of felt like him. He wasn't alone.

And Renjun nods, licking over his lips. He can almost predict what's going to come out of Jeno's mouth next.

"And I get that," Jeno continues. "But… but what about the love part? Like--the romantic side? Do you also not--uh--I don't know how to say this. But, like, what is this side for you?"

Renjun stops. And frowns a little. “I… really don’t know.”

Jeno hums. He's a little flushed, fidgeting with his fingers and not looking straight at Renjun, though he glances up from time to time. "You know I like you and you know Jaem also likes you. And… we really like you. _Really_. But--it's like--I don't know what to do from here, where to go from here."

Renjun feels his mouth dry. The idea of people liking him always made him feel uncomfortable because there's always a condition under that -- maybe something more underneath the surface, something more later.

But it's different this time because he's not hiding anything this time. Jeno and Jaemin _know_ and he's still here, talking with him.

"I don't really know, Jeno," Renjun says, as honest as he can convey his feelings and thoughts, uncurling his fist to lay his hand over Jeno's. His heart is beating too fast, but he feels like this is the breaking point. “Like… I never liked someone before, I think. And… I like Jisungie, but not in the same way as I like you two, you know?"

It's hard to say anything when he feels his throat so dry and aching, but Jeno only nods, looking at him with big eyes and Renjun tries to continue, "And I guess that it's different in the way I wouldn't mind to be perceived by others as being in a relationship with you two. I think that’s the big thing. I wouldn’t like that happening with Jisung, but I wouldn’t mind that with you two.”

And Jeno blinks, the corner of his lips lifting up a little. “Oh," he says. Renjun nods his head, looking down when Jeno squeezes his hand. "Okay… okay."

* * *

It's different for everyone and Renjun is well aware of that, but it still bugs him enough that it's something that is obviously always running on his mind.

It’s all about drawing the limits. Hugs are okay. Cuddles are also fine. Kisses on his forehead, on his face, are also something he's used to.

Everything is enough until it isn’t anymore.

He sees Jaemin kissing Jeno deeply, tilting his head back as he licks inside his mouth. They look pretty together and Renjun thinks he doesn't want something like that -- but there's a pang of curiosity that burns on his guts. He wonders how things would be different if he had accepted that girl's proposal for a kiss when he was fifteen. He wonders how it would be to just brush their lips together, just once, without being taken by anxiety.

* * *

“I hate that I’m losing my mind over it.”

Jisung hums.

“It’s just a kiss, right? Just a kiss. People do that all the time.”

Jisung turns on his side, fixing him a look.

"Hyung…" he starts and stops, thinking for a while. Renjun waits, watching him carefully. Their room is almost all dark, illuminated only by his bedside lamp. “Maybe for some people it is. But that isn’t true for everyone--and I’m not talking about them being ace or whatever. Don’t invalidate your feelings.”

“It’s only important because I made it so. It's only become this big thing for me because I made it to be like this.”

“So what?" Jisung asks, a little fiercer, lifting himself on his elbows as he doesn't break their eye contact. "We give our own meaning to things all the time. Maybe you feel like this because it’s always on your mind, but lots of people go through the same thing. I’m sure of that.”

Renjun pauses and looks up at the ceiling, a chuckle escaping from his lips. “God, when did you grow up so much like this?”

He can practically feel Jisung's gloating from the other side of the bedroom as he hears the rustling of the bedsheets. “Reading lots of forums. I’m great at that now, hyung. And watching videos--I even watched a full documentary! But that one was bad, so we can just ignore it."

Renjun hums. "Don't feel like you need to be my therapist or help me fix my shit together, okay, Jisungie? You have no obligations with that," he says, after a while.

Jisung takes a moment to answer, and Renjun was just starting to think he had fallen asleep. "I know, hyung, but I wanna help because I don't want you to lose something you might regret later. I want you to be happy."

* * *

“I don’t want to have sex with them.”

Donghyuck pauses, stopping his hand in the air. He puts his glass down. "Okayyy…" he drawls the word, lifting an eyebrow. "I guess we're talking about this now. So, uh, do you care if they do it with each other?”

Renjun thinks for a while. “A little," he confesses. "But I prefer them doing that than not doing anything because of me. It might be us three, but not everything needs to be all of us three together all the time, right? They can enjoy each other alone, just like I can have some time just with Jaemin or just with Jeno.”

“...and have you talked about that with them?”

Renjun avoids his eyes. “No.”

“Why?" Donghyuck asks. "Do you think they wouldn’t understand you? After everything?”

It’s easy to prepare for the worst. To cut everything off before it can happen -- before he gets too attached and inevitably hurt. But maybe it’s already too late for that.

It's all about control -- everything has always been about it. And he's terrified of giving some of it away. But maybe that’s exactly what he needs to do -- dive into his fear and not think twice for once in his goddamned life.

* * *

The next time Jaemin kisses him on the cheek, Renjun leaves a kiss just on the corner of his lips and Jaemin startles.

“Y-you don’t need to force yourself,” Jaemin stammers, flushing deeply.

“I’m not.”

It's still a bit scary, but he did that because he wanted to. It’s just a kiss. People do that all the time. It doesn't need to be something scary anymore -- but maybe it'll always be a little.

It's something different. Thinking about kissing them and not freaking out completely. But it's because he's trying not to associate the kisses with an underlying tone of something more, something sexual. It's just a peck, a kiss. It's because he wants to show his affection in another way.

Maybe, if he hadn’t met them, hadn’t been together with them, he’d never be in that position of thinking about kissing. And that’d be okay, too.

He didn’t need anyone’s validation but his own.

* * *

He doesn’t want to talk about it because he’ll have to think about it and it’s something he always shoved to the corner of his mind. But they can’t ignore it anymore.

 _Communication_ , he tries to remember. So easy to say, but so hard to do.

“Hyung, you’re freaking out,” Jisung says.

He is.

“My plan was to grow old with five cats and two dogs, having friends over my home all the time, and now--”

“And now you have two people who love you wanting to take care of you. To be in a relationship with you.”

“It’s scary.”

It's _terrifying._ Especially when they're different--because that's what they are, right? They're different.

“Yeah. It’s scary to be vulnerable, to be open and allow yourself to be judged. But won’t it be worth it, hyung? To be together with them? Wouldn’t it be?”

Renjun can feel his eyes stinging.

It's terrifying because he still fears for a day they'll wake up and think that they don't want to deal with him and his limits anymore. But he also remembers Jisung's earlier words about making concessions, about making choices. They know what they're getting into just as he also does.

It's terrifying because the easiest thing would be to stay away and alone, to never cross the line and wander to the other side of allowing yourself to be wanted and tended to. Be vulnerable.

But, for dear god, he can imagine a future clearly -- just them being together, the sun shining through the curtains, all smiles while everything is warm and cozy. Just that would be enough.

“Yeah,” Renjun says, kind of choked up. “I’d like that.”

“Then go after them and say that. _Honestly._ I don’t know what you would do without me.”

Renjun smiles a little. “I also don’t know, Jisungie.”

The other door looks daunting, but he knocks against the wood, feeling his heartbeat echoing inside his eardrums.

“Yeah?” Jaemin’s voice sounds out, a little muffled.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.” It’s Jeno who replies.

Renjun opens the door.

It's scary and it's terrifying and it's frightening, but in the end, maybe, it all be worth it.

* * *

Sometimes it’s hard to feel okay and valid when the world shoves down your throat what the “standard” is supposed to be. And it's hard to turn your head and face another side, ignoring all that.

But to create your own family and give its own meaning, to allow yourself to be free and unashamed of the people around you makes all the hardships worthwhile.

And maybe they're too young to know everything, to have all the answers they so much want to. And that's okay.

It's a constant struggle with learning more about yourself and relishing the tight grip around control, letting life lead you away for a little bit. Maybe somewhere new--unexpected.

Jaemin cooks and his eyes are bright when he feeds them, and Jeno laughs out loud when Renjun chokes. “It’s too spicy," he tries to say, but is coughing too hard.

“It’s not.”

Renjun dabs at his forehead and laughs when Jeno is the next to start clearing his throat, face reddening.

Jaemin rolls his eyes, but he takes back the food and tries to find a way to fix it while Renjun pats Jeno on the back and makes sure he doesn't end up dying somehow.

There are little touches, small things, and it's in the way it lingers across the skin, in the way their eyes hold each other's gazes and the smile gets a little bigger, a little sweeter.

Everyone is different and every relationship is unique. It's all about finding common ground and making it work if everyone's interested.

Renjun pecks them because he wants to do that. It could be a kiss on the cheek, but sometimes he slips a little lower and brushes their lips together. It doesn't mean anything more than that.

They’re building something together with each passing day. In a way, it's all of them -- the members -- together, but there's also something only theirs. The three of them. And sometimes things are good, sometimes they aren't, but at least they’re doing that. Together.

(And, maybe, one night Jisung confesses, between a story about a weird owl in a dream he had as a kid and a new conspiracy about snow-people, “Maybe I feel kinda similar like you say you do? I don’t know. I read too many things, so everything ended up getting kinda mixed up in my head.”

And Renjun smiles, glancing down at Jisung and nudging his side with his foot. “You don’t need to worry about that. Just do what you want and what it feels right."

“Yeah, I know. I won’t follow your steps and be that dramatic.”

Renjun fake gasps and shoves him to the side, laughing. Jisung looks away from the little stars on the ceiling and looks at him.

“I’m just joking, hyung. Everything you feel is valid--your entire journey and your fears.”

“I know you’re playing, don’t worry. But I’m glad you aren’t planning on going through that. It's a little stressing.”

“Oh, don’t even start on _that_. I know that _very well_.”)

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh, i couldn't find a place to add this lil scene i had in my head but you know how chenle always calls himself as the "big bro" on weibo on every post w the others? so, like, imagine him clutching renjun against his chest and glaring at jaemjen "don't u dare hurt him u bastards, that's my lil bro here and i'll end u if u do that" or smth like that
> 
> these almost 5 months of quarantine and isolation are making me self-project hARD 😔✌️  
> stay safe everyone <3
> 
> find me on [twt](https://twitter.com/pinkhrj) | [ccat](https://curiouscat.me/rensungie) <3


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